9/25 SUN

FUCK that SHIT! I need to rebel against myself. I’ve been thinking, and 12 years old is gone. Face the facts, Fink.

I don’t need to be 12 years old again in body, but I can choose to be whatever age I want in mind & spirit.

Society is too sagacious & “sensible”. You have to eventually conform or be committed (or become a comedian, either one). Seriously, though, a person is thought of as strange or weird or crazy if they step out of line.

“Jesus, Fink! You’re embarrassing me!”

I heard that more than once.

That’s why I love kids. They’re free to do anything. Around kids, I can really be free. I go into what most people would call “baby-sitter mode” I think of it as playing with my friends.

I play the games they like to play, do what they like to do, and act the way they like to act.

Because I like it, too.

To paraphrase Wil Rogers “I never met a kid I didn’t like.” Even the wild ones (reat “brats” if that’s the way you think of a wild one) are fun for me.

Here’s my secret: I like it, and I can keep up.

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Enough philosophical meandering. I start school tomorrow, I have to be there at 8 AM. I’m going to primary school for Arabic!

I kept up with exercising. Walked a lot. Oh, and I got a letter from Michelle. I can hear her voice reading it to me. She’s the same ‘ol Michelle, except she’s changing families. She’s not doing it – the family is. And they’re giving ambiguous reasons.

I’m excited as hell! I mean, now I won’t be bored anymore!

At least, not at home. Now I can go to school and be bored. But I still miss the AFS kids.

“Communication is the key”

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9/24 SAT

It’s easy to lose track of days. I’ve been here 1 month already, and it feels like a week! Only 8 ½ or 9 more months left. Each day seems like an eternity to me, but when I look back, it’s like it never was.

Just like life to do that to a person. Jesus, I’m afraid. Afraid of growing up, of taking responsibility, of death, and of taxes (ha, ha). The thing that I’m most afraid of, though, is stagnation. 99% of the population does it; settle down by 30, retire at 65, then die - - not necessarily in that order. That’s the frightening part. I want to be 12 again. 18, 21, 30, they all seemed so far away. No more. 18 is here. I’m fucking scared.

Ingi came over today. Reassessment time. She was afraid to speak English at the camp, so she didn’t. After 8 days of no communication with the family (they only speak Arabic & French, not Icelandic, Danish, or English [well, a little English]), my guess is that she needed someone to talk to. She’s stopping smoking, cold turkey, which is admirable after 2 packs a day. She’s a very intelligent young woman, and she has a good head on her shoulders. Just shy is all.

Before her, Amy & Najed came over so we could (YEAH!!) go get our classes. I start Monday. FUCK AN A, YEAH!

(I wrote the first draft of my UC essay, too)

Amy & I found a lot to talk about, interestingly enough. I guess isolation will do that to you.

I started exercizing today. I want to keep it up, but…

12 years old…

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9/23 FRI

I slept some more, wrote a letter to Brad and bought a “Time.” So Far I have 2 Newsweeks; 1 Time, plus one of each that Vitamin has.

I didn’t really think (again) today, except tomorrow I’ll start exercizing. Hopefully, I’ll keep up with it; I’ve never been able to before. That’s what P.E. was for.

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9/22 THURS

Well, today, I did something exciting: slept!

All right. Yeah!!

I also took a shower. Seriously, I took a shower. None of this “hook up the hose to the sink” shit. I went to the Chems El Hena hotel and used their “public” shower, for hotel guests oly. They’re only supposed to be used after the beach, or before the indoor pool, or if you’re locked out of your room, or whatever, but I look enough like a tourist that…

Anyway, let’s finish describing the AFS group of kids. I’ve got Marian, Katrina, Juliette, Annika, Sig, Jason & Scott left.

USA MARIAN: Marian is big on causes and big on big words (see the [note] on “Polar Bear”). She seems to be a mixture of California Surfer, California Hippie, & California Yuppie in her words and actions. She loves sex (not that I blame her), and she’s got a body that won’t quit (when she doesn’t wear very baggy clothes). I don’t think that we could be more than friends (or one night stands, but as friends). We’re too much alike in different ways; she’s a good friend, though. No matter what you do (or say), she’ll respect you and still like you. A problem: she’s very patronizing. At least towards me, she treats me like a kid at times. She and I are, to each other, the person you see for a couple of days at a time, and that’s it. Get rid of ‘em for a week and you miss ‘em, but after 2 or 3 days, you’re happy to see each other take off. It’s weird. Also, very tactless. She’s a user.


USA KATRINA: Spunky, sarcastic, blunt New Yorker. Not NYC, but still a few (not many) of the same characteristics. I love her, she’s great! I think, no, I KNOW I could trust her with anything. I didn’t really think about it until now, but yes, I do believe she’s trustworthy. Yeah, I know, “what a thing to say. You mean you didn’t think so before?” No, I didn’t think about it before. That’s what I mean. She’s also a strong person, personality-wise. And she’s tough on the outside, but soft on the inside. I don’t think she shows that side of herself very often; it’s not that she doesn’t want to, it’s just that she doesn’t do it. I need ot talk with her more, I think. Actually trust her with secrets or non-material things. She’s already lost a couple of things of mine.

USA JULIETTE: Intellectual. I think she’ll belong to Marin county or the equivilant in the LA/ Santa Barbara area. She has a future and she knows it. Her answers point towards a very learned and education-oriented background, and she has an opinion on every subject brought into play in a conversation. She’s almost a leader, not quite, though. She needs prompting. As a friend, I’d say “yes”, now. If her future is going where I think it is, it may be a struggle to keep her “humanity” (?). That’s not the word I’m looking for, I think, but it’s close enough. If she loses the struggle, then an “acquaintance-ship” will be more likely, because if you got in her way, she’d shoot you down. If she loses. If she winds, it’s friends to the end. She’s in for a struggle. She’d probably be least likely of us to change families or go home, though.

USA ANNIKA: This one’s tough. It’s unbelievable how alike we are, and we know we’ll be there for one another. It’s unspoken, but it’s there. Right now, we’re good friends. I don’t know if she feels the same way, but she is one of my 2 “best” friends in the group (the other is J). Given the chance, I know I could fall in love with her, but for now, it’s friendship. I don’t want anything to stand in the way of that, and I don’t want to piss her off. Of course, I don’t think that that would happen. I know I can talk to her because I already have, and she accepted me for who/what I am. She talked TO and WITH me, not AT or DOWN to me. And she listened. Most of all, she understood.

USA SIG: Sigrid is her real name. Unimportant. I’m sure my prior feelings for her were not anything but being thrust into a new situation. Lust, my need for friendship, lust, our compatibility at first, lust, her ability to keep up with me from NY to Tunis, and lust were all factors. Our “instant” compatibility turned out to be a dud (maybe) once we got to orientation. For a few days, she avoided me, and she kept her distance with what she said around me most of the time. The last 2 days we were talking again, but I’m not sure of the implications. She may have felt threatened (although I didn’t do anything threatening) or she could be fickle. I’ll take her on as a friend, but I’ll have to stay wary for a while.


USA JASON: “Jason did it”; “No, Jason did it”; “Yeah, Jason did it.” God, we got the volunteers confused. I think that Jason is my meant-to-be twin, we have a lot of the same interests, and our personalities don’t clash, they balance, actually. He’s level-headed where I’m not, and vice-versa. Oh, yeah: Jason Edward Kirby; 16 year old sister (Paul’s 16, too); lives at Lake Tahoe, Lives about the same distance away here, born 12-13-69, my fake ID 12-13-66. Weird. Seriously, though, I know I can trust and stand by him. He’s got charm and personality, and his wit is perfectly timed (and with such a straight face, it makes you wonder). Another thing is, we’re on the same “wavelength”. For instance, at one point, some of us were talking, and J was sitting there reading, not really paying attention: I said “yeah, it’s like when we went to Rome last summer, right J?”, and he picked it up immediately. We had the groups convinced, and following each other’s leads, they all thought our parents were best friends, named us the same name, and more until we got to how we were in Italy. It was great! He was born in S.F., too. Anyway, he’s my other “best” friend here.

USA SCOTT: Last, but not least. Scott. I’m not too sure about him. He’s surprisingly intelligent, and is firm in his belief of God. He wants to go to the Air Force Academy. Ok, well, now, his personality. He is strangely aloof (to my observations), and a little like he’s just an observer, even when he participates. He’s got valid points, and if he believes in something, he’s not going to stray; yet he is also open-minded. He acknowledges other ideas and religions, and he doesn’t believe everything he does or says is right. I know for a fact that he would be a solid rock as a friend, but he hasn’t let this group grab hold so far. They think they have, but I can see it in his eyes, his stance, his face and his speech. He observes in our ranks of participants. It’s not that he’s “better than”, he’s just watching; sensory input. I would like to bring him closer to me, friendshipwise.

There you have it, all the people from my POV. Remember, perspective can change with time.

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9/21 WED

I wrote 20 letters today. That pretty much covers all the kids in AFS. Yesterday, I did 3 of ‘em, Marian, Nancy & Michelle.

Those letters weren’t for the “keeping in touch” that I did with the others: Marian’s was a light-hearted get well soon letter; Michelle’s was to let her know that someone does care; and Nancy’s scared me shitless.

I haven’t really thought of Nancy as my “friend” since we’ve been here. We hadn’t really talked, haven’t really trusted each other, and at orientation, she put me down at least once a day; that hurt.

So I wrote a pretty long (4 pg) letter explaining my feelings, and it leaves me wide open and exposed. I did some soul bearing, and that’s scary.

School hasn’t started and I’m still

BORED.

I know, “life is what you make of it”, but no matter what I try, I’m still bored.

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9/20 TEUS

Well, Jason isn’t coming down. I’ve started my letter writing to people. I’m going to write to everyone at least once every 3 weeks.

The quagmire of boredom is sucking gently at my ankles. Wait a second, that’s my waist! God, I need something to do. Maybe later. I am extremely disappointed that he isn’t coming, though. I felt like crying, because I need a break. I’ll live. DWBH.

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9/19 MON

I got 6 letters written today, it took about 3 hours. Then I read & thought.

The family and I have basically stopped even the attempt at communication, except at meals. I would put the responsibility mainly on me. Yet, this isn’t fair! The first 10 days, they & I tried vigorously to talk, now it’s only a tolken attempt each day. I try not to read so much, but there is little else to do.

If I go outside – I’m a tourist. And the kids are in school. My French isn’t good enough to keep even the semblance of a conversation going, so after a while, everyone just looks at one another, then they leave the room.

I suppose I could sit around and watch TV with them, but that isn’t communication.

Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit!

I’m in a rut.



(Remember that dream you woke up with – is Sig’s middle name Alexandra? Why did your subconscious bring it up?)

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9/18 SUN

I read most of the day. Didn’t really feel like anything. Kind of an emotional gray void, where nothing enters, nothing exists.

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9/17 SAT

Remember to get: MEN WITHOUT HATS: “POP GOES THE WORLD” Someone at orientation took the first one I had.

Don’t forget: Tomorrow @ 5:00 go to the bookstore with the “camera [illegible]”

Perfect. 50D more was stolen from – or lost by – me. It may have happened in a crowded market with people crowding me, bumping into me, etc. Or it could have happened any time I reached into my pocket. I wasn’t very observant today.

The dull ache that began when I woke up has turned my head into a throbbing storm of thundering blood cells, aching beyond all possible belief.

2 areas in my abdominal region are suffering aching as well, tamer but still there.

What does this country do, eat money?

Oh good. Some (1 set of double prints) have their images reversed. Shit!

I WANT TO GO HOME.

Not really. Don’t worry, be happy. Chill out. Sometimes life’s not so simple. Besides, I’ll just take ‘em back & ask for a re-do

Let’s try describing the people at the camp; the other AFSers from my POV (point of view). Remember it can (and probably will) change. Great. Michelle’s not even in the group photo. I’ll start with her.

USA MICHELLE: She’s a strange case. She enjoies being told what to do, and in one of the sessions she said that she felt as if a friend is a person who could make demands on you. She’s an outsider in our group because of her, but only Suzanne and I try to be friendly, and I stopped after a few days. She projects an aura of wanting – needing – to be pitied. Her voice always has a whining quality in it; although it seems as if she knows it and keeps it up. She always says exactly what’s on her mind (only after asking a thousand times if it’s ok to talk), and it usually isn’t relevant to the conversation. She’s constantly apologizing and putting herself down, saying she “isn’t worthy of our friendship.” It’s a definite cry for help, and, as usual, I think I’ll try to be the life preserver.


NEW ZEALAND LUKE: He’s a quiet, articulate fellow. An oxymoron (not really), but when he speaks he shows a definite intelligence. He also seems a little uncomfortable opening up, and may feel he’s (only a LITTLE BIT, if at all) inferior or incompetent, but this isn’t true (actually, he’s just quiet, I think). He surprised all of us in a boys vs. girls keep away match one night; he took the hardest blows (the girls play rough), even hitting the cement a couple of times with his head, but he never gave in. He says he’s a rugby player, and I can believe it. He would be a good friend when the chips are down.

ICELAND INGA: Constant smoker, only talks to other Icelanders, except on rare occasions. She’s plump, and very white skin, reminding me of (I hate to say it) a Pillsbury dough lady. I can’t make too much of her. Yet.

ICELAND HULĐA: Smoker as well. You never see I or H without a cigarette, except when asleep or on the beach (or eating). Actually, H got better as the 10 days progressed and cut down considerably. She is extremely outgoing, and willing to take risks others of the girls (and even some guys)(oops, that’s a chauvinistic remark) wouldn’t take. Her attitude is “Do unto others as they would do unto you. Maybe even before they do it.” Great sense of humor, great pillow fighter.

USA ROBIN: He is a shy guy with a great laugh. He’s very naïve, and I n some situations just says whatever’s going on in his brain with no forethought. It always has something to do with the situation, though this could get him into barsha trouble. He’s already out of one home, because of a combination of non-communication (he speaks no French and they little English), incompatible (completely) personalities, and possibly because of his tendencies towards blatancy. He doesn’t hold up well under pressure, and the year could be good for him. Can he be counted on in times of trouble? I hope so. I’m pretty sure the answer will be “yes” if he survives til Christmas. Maybe.


GREENLAND (DENMARK) AVI(IJIA): Very flirtatious and talkative. Never will be able to keep a secret, and projects a dumb blonde image. She loves to talk, and after a while shows that there is a lot of unharvested and unprocessed intelligence. She loves a more simple lifestyle, but wants more. Rough lovemaking, good food, good hunting, good drink. These are all qualities I see in her (no, not experienced any). A friend to the end, but would probably go to bed with any of the guys. Non-smoker.


HOLLAND WILLEMIJN (VITAMIN): Power, humor and intelligence illuminates her personality, and a short fused temper to match. She’s a tenacious fucker (figuratively – I mean “person”), and that’s an endearing quality in her. Whatever she wants from life, she’ll get, plus more. She’ll stick with you forever, even if you get her mad. Non-smoker.

DENMARK MAJBRIT: Pronounce it “mAy-breet”. Introvertive the first few days, and extrovert now. She’s a great dancer, and showed me how to give “putas” to two girls at once. She smokes, but not much.

USA AMY: We have absolutely nothing in common. Any time we try to talk, we just sit and look around, fidgit, etc. Then, after a few mins, we make our excuses and leave. The catch: I’d trust her to the end. She was the first person to notice that I was down at orientation, and told me that if I ever needed to talk, she was there for me. This was before I realized that I couldn’t shake it on my own, so I just said thanks. But I’ll neve forget.

CANADA ISABELLE: Quebecian, so French is her main language. She has no problem getting along in this country. I still don’t know a lot about her, except that she, too, is an animal lover.


USA SUZANNE: Hesitantly outgoing at first, we (Jason & I) thought up the nicknames “Sex goddess” & “Mistress of Pleasure & Pain”. She gets “mad” every time we call her either of these, but she loves it. She’s got a boyfriend (Paul) and she’ll stay true to him, I think. She’s everyone’s friend.

NEW ZEALAND TINA: She’s great! “zeal” should be her middle name. What a sense of humor, and the timing; and I know she’ll always be there. Her major fault is talking at speeds of up to 5 million words per second. She also got some minor prejudices of Mauris [Maori] & Aussies, nothing really big, though. She always seems to show up at just the right time to get me in a good mood.


ICELAND GARĐAR: keeps his feelings to himself, and is very friendly. He was scared coming here, and we had a long and interesting talk, finding out about common interests, fears and expectations. He’s a good friend, & I wouldn’t get him mad at me; no “forgive & forget” policy here.

USA NANCY: She & I are distant, our personalities clash somewhat, and she seems to put me down often. She’s very hesitant with what she says, and ends a sentence or a statement with “I guess… I don’t know…oh well...” and trails off. She may be a little jealous of my being leader, but that’s a stab in the dark. I don’t know if I can trust her, but if worse comes to worse, I probably will. I would stand by her, though, but she doesn’t seem to like me too much. If I knew why. If I knew why, maybe I could explain to her why I do the things I do, even change if her suggestions are good.

DENMARK ANNE-MARIE: She seems sensuous, yet feeling. Her skin is almost transparent white, with a splash of red in her cheeks, and her hair is white gold. Still, this doesn’t make her attractive to me, just different. She showed me “putas” also; and as friends, I think it will work One night, I sat up with her ‘til dawn, when she was violently ill, and I was a little sick. We’re pretty close, but the language gap is still a little bit of a hindrance.

SWEDEN JENS: Pronounced “Yens”. He’s a funny guy, and serous as well. He looks at a problem from all angles, then goes deep to the core. He’s not afraid of speaking his mind, and loves a good conversation. He and I get along very well, and I see a good friendship emerging.

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No more tonight, I’m not in the mood. Most of the descriptions are superficial, but I tried ot get to the core. A few more left to go.


WRITE TO: Marian, Nancy, Annika, Sig, Michelle

By the way, “putas” is to tuck in, sing a song, or tell a story & kiss your kids goodnight.

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9/16 FRI

I went to bed last night at 10:30, and woke up at 11 AM, it felt good.

Also, I decided to call Mom & Tom and Dad & Paul today, kind of as a whim, spur of the moment thing. But, now that I’ve had time to think about it, it was probably my subconscious throwing around the idea of calling home for comfort and appeasement.

I really miss Paul. I almost started crying while talking to him, it hurt so bad. I guess I love the little guy after all. No matter how many fights we had, we always made up, and we could talk. I wish I had him for just 5 mins; just writing about him is opening a wellspring of feelings inside of me, and I don’t know what to do.

It was good talking to every one of them, though, almost the hug I needed. I wish Annika were here, she’s the best hugger I know of.

I sent some film in – God I miss the kids at orientation.

My Aunt, Uncle, and their baby went back up to Tunis, taking our grandmother.

I feel drained. An emotional void. I’ll keep writing, or at least try.

Mere seems to be the best soup slurper of the family. There was a fight between Mere & Pere - all I could do was sit in the room and read. Non-communicating, as usual.

More about “camp”, some stuff I forgot to write.

Sig “took” one of her toenails off while playing a game called hook tag. She was running around (the game was supposed to be in the sand) and when she tried to abruptly stop, her foot kept going – right into a rock. Ouch.

I was the masseuse there. I love giving massages to willing females.

I didn’t get to say goodbye to Marian. First I was getting a cheque changed. Then I was at the train station, and our group, going to Sfax and Sousse, ran into her. I left for 63 seconds to get a drink, and she was gone. I guess this means we’ll meet again.

I can’t write any more.

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They’re fighting again. She’s crying, and in a (what sounds to me like) mocking tone saying: “Mahandeesh __________, Mahandeesh __________, Mahandeesh __________, Mahandeesh __________,, “them moved on.

“Mahandeesh” means “I don’t have.”

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9/15 THURS

Busses & trains. Lots of goodbyes. It hurts to say goodbye to these people, it’s too soon. But at least I won’t get tired of them, as I would’ve had we been together for too long a time instead of too short.

Jason may come down next WED & THURS.

Avi, Willameijn (Vitamin) may come down sometime next week also.

I got my first twinge of homesickness today. I had some time alone, and I really started thinking. It wasn’t bad (meaning, it wasn’t lots of longing or anything), but it took me by surprise. I started missing people, but 5 mins later it was gone.

It shows me that I’m human.

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I almost started crying at dinner. Melancholy & longing for my orientation friends brought it on.

God! Just watching them at dinner almost made me sick. I didn’t notice it before, but it seems to be a “who-can-smack-their-lips-the-loudest” and “spray-food-everywhere” contest. My dad’s the worst of the bunch. I just wanted to slap him and yell “Chew with your mouth closed!” Barbarians. Heathens.

Oh good. Now he’s smoking one of those Tunisian camel-shit cigarettes. It smells up the entire house, and sends him into unbelievable coughing fits!

I hate this place!

Actually, I don’t. Calm down, Jason. Think. Take deep breaths. Anxiety attack. Don’t let it get you down. Pull up, don’t dive bomb yet. Ok, relax.
Writing seems to be helping.

It still gets to me, though. When they laugh when I try to speak Arabic, and when they talk about me in Arabic at the table, I can understand a little, and the language is a mixture of French & A., so … it really hurts.

I need a hug.

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9/14 WED

Today, 20D was stolen from me. And I’m missing a tape (Men Without Hats: “Pop Goes The World”)

We also got our 14 D a month allowance today, but that was part of what was stolen, and since I [illegible] today I had to pay everyone their 2D for the party back, I only have 500mm to my name in Tunisian money.

Nabil left yesterday, so Shaker & Adel taught us last night. Each time a teacher changes, it gets a little but more boring. I thought up 2 games that lessons would be a part of, and I ended up being the teach today.

Jesus! Am I going to go home with the feeling that this country is full of thieves? First Karim, then my tape, now the 20D. Great luck, huh?

Avi said she saw someone, a Tunisian in our room when the session started, but assumed it was the cleaning guy or something, so she didn’t pay attention and wouldn’t be able to recognize him if he bit her on the ass.

Ah, well. DWBH, as I always say.

I don’t really mind being leader anymore (actually, I didn’t mind it before, but I thought I wasn’t a friend. I’ve been getting to know more people, and I find that my anxieties are theirs as well. Being “leader” also helps them to approach me if they have a problem or want to talk about something.

Hell, I’m the guy that always says “No worries” and “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” (DWBH), and people like that, I guess. I’m very insecure, but I still try.

This is what confidence is.

At least, to me, that’s what it is. You see, if a person is insecure, and feels like he’s inferior, but still keeps on trying, that’s confidence, and it, too, is power.

I sound like I’m writing a book, and I keep on rambling! ‘Course, that’s good every once in a while. I wanted to play Truth or Dare, but the “right” people weren’t there (Jason, Annika & Sig weren’t there to encourage or add to it and people would’ve been pretty tame).

The games we played were : A WHAT, WHO’S THE LEADER & I NEVER.

We were going to go to the beach, but it started raining, so we (read “I shoved everyone into it so they wouldn’t mope around”) opted for the meeting room instead.

First, the 10 minute, 30 person pillow fight (a smaller one in the boys’ room took place on the 12th in the boys’ dorm).

12) Then, A WHAT? – there are as many one syllable named objects as there are people in the circle, and the first person picks up the first object and say 9to the person on his or her right) “This is a fish” (EXAMPLE ONLY). Then the #2 person says: “A WHAT?”
#1: “A FISH”
#2: “A WHAT?”
#1: “A FISH”
#2: “A WHAT?”
#1: “A FISH”
#2: “OH, A FISH.”
Then the #2 takes the object and does the same with the #3 person. Except the #1 person has picked up the next object and is at it again with #2. So, in unison, same time each line:


#1: “This is A PEN” #2: “This is A FISH”
#2: “A WHAT?” #3: “A WHAT?”
#1: “A FISH” #2: “A PEN”
#2: “A WHAT?” #3: “A WHAT?”
ETC.

Keep going until all objects are going around, then speed up. Make sure everyone is saying “A WHAT” in unison.

13) WHO’S THE LEADER – one person leaves the room while the group picks the leader. The leader will start doing things (usually –w- hands, but can be anything), and the volunteer comes back in. Then the person has to figure out who the leader is. Leader will change doing things while the volunteer searches the circle. Once found, the leader becomes the volunteer; then repeat.

14) I NEVER is a drinking (alcohol) game, but we kissed our neighbor on the cheek instead. One person says “I NEVER___”, and whoever has done that has to kiss (take a drink).

Example: “I never pissed in the shower.” I have pissed in the shower, so I would have to kiss (take a drink).

It got really raunchy, but not as bad as expected. I (we) found out that Marian has fucked people everywhere (garage, hot tub, outside, in car, in parents bed etc). You could’ve fooled me.

Oh, yeah. Jason’s sick, too. His abdominal area is in pain (not too much), and he’s pissing blood. They took him to the hospital, and they said not to worry about it, but see a doctor back in Dar Chabaane.

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9/13 TUES

Today I slept, went to the store, learned Arabic, saw a presentation on Greenland & Denmark (G is part of D’s property) & Canada.

Nabil left this morning.

Shaker & Adel came to me to ask what we should do, so I said Arabic lessons in the morning, then lunch. After lunch. After lunch, some people went to the beach, while a few of us stayed and talked. Then Tina, Robin, Juliette & I went to the store, great.

Great news! A group of girls got together & figured out PB, and I was pissed – it’s a major no-no to do that – on your own or not at all. So I got an idea tonight – confuse & conquer. I need to get ‘em all to agree, but I think they will. What I’m gonna do is: the first thing I (or another PB) says is what it is, the dice don’t matter. We have to give them at times a number someone chooses, so there will be no suspicion.

This is a temporary arrangement.

God, what
POWER

[PETITION glued to the back of the journal]

POLAR BEAR
WE WANT TO CHANGE THE GAME, BECAUSE SOME OF THE OTHER STUDENTS HAVE DISCUSSED IT. WE FIGURED IT OUT ON OUR OWN, SO THIS ISN’T FAIR.

I’LL MAKE UP A NUMBER (OR ONE OF THE OTHER PB’S) & WE WILL ALL GO ALONG WITH IT. MAKE IT SO THEY ARE CORRECT SOMETIMES, SO IT WILL CONFUSE THEM. ONLY TEMPORARY.
MAJORITY RULES

YES Jason F Jason K Willameijn Scott T Annika N Garðar Sig Tina Robin
(SCRATCHED OUT: NEUTRAL Annika N)
ABSTAIN Michelle D.
Marian [the next is written by her] -> This has the pungent odor of a corrupt government, one in which the pursuit of elite power or knowledge is held more important than the laws (which here are asked to be altered) somewhat like a 1984 saga in which the government can change the past by erasing or changing newspaper articles. It is understood that those PB’s-in-question have ina sense, violated the “Tell no other” pact, yet it is our fault for not initiating them as soon as they discovered the secret. If we were to blatantly misrepresent our sacred game, then we have violated the core of our organization.: the essentials would be lost and we would be left a group with an identity no more. Thus, being no longer Polar Bears, we would be left –ashamedly- liars. Thank you.

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9/12 MON

Ali came back, but he’s gone again; the N.D. came down to “escort" him back. Asshole.

Ali left without saying goodbye, but called me later, saying he was going into a meeting with the board of directors & the ND.

Sofien (a cool dude who Avi “got along” with) was kicked out also. This was because he was accused of “sleeping with” Avi. This was true, but not the way it implied. They liked each other, so they slept in the same bed in the “boys” dormitory for 2 nights.

Oh yeah!! The “boys” dorm isn’t any more, wasn’t from the first day, actually. There are 4 too many girls for that dorm room, and 6 beds left over in ours, so from the first night it’s been co-ed.

At first the American guys were shy & inhibited around the girls, with them running around in their undies, changing in front of us, talking openly, etc. All that changed in a matter of hours. Now our room is the social gathering room, because the door, windows & shades are always open & there is an air of freedom.

The gal’s room: inhibited & closed. The shades, windows & doors always closed, you have to knock to walk in & the girls stare at you & make you feel uncomfortable.

Weird.

Margins

Presentations on: Kiwi , Sweden

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9/11 SUN

Jason just told me that Semi had taken the alcohol (wine) @ 2:00 this morning. HE paid for it, but that’s not the point. It wasn’t up to him to do something like that. It was up to Ali & us kids.

He didn’t get mine & J’s 2 bottles, though. Those are for the 2 of us tonight. The atmosphere has definitely changed. There is a tension in the air that wasn’t present before, a palpable, malleable thing.

It’s just hanging here, like a beached whale waiting to be moved or die.

Ali has gone to Tunis & Nebul to “see some students off.” This was the story he told to everyone by J & me. He had to go to Tunis to confront the National Director, and he maynot be coming back.

From what I understand, he & the newly elected director (7 mos) don’t get along too wll. He (the ND) is supposedly old and doesn’t (1) speak English well & (2) associate well with kids.

He’s coming in tomorrow.

Learned Arabic from Nabil (“natural resources & countries” [Sea of Plenty, etc]), presentation on Iceland and U.S.

The whole group of Americans made me feel like shit (actually only 4 of ‘em, but still…). We started with California, and while I was talking, Nancy just got up & said “my turn” & started talking. Then, after all 8 Californians finished talking, I thought “Well, they left out a lot and made it sound boring.” So I tried again, and got 2 “Shut ups” (Michelle & one other definite American), and “blah-blah-blah” from Sig. Embarrassed, I shut up.

Later, I was told by the others (non-Americans) that the U.S. was boring.

Margins

ALI CAME BACK

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9/10 SAT

DON’T WORRY BE HAPPY! [written across pages for 9/9 & 9/10]


Again, written on the 11th.

We broke up into 4 groups & did a session on global awareness. Our group did PEACE & ARMAMENT. The other groups did: The Middle East, Starvation, & Apartheid.

After lunch, J & I collected 2 D from everybody & got Scott (to help carry) & Marian (’cause she didn’t go yesterday). We got to Bizerte at 3:30, finding out the market didn’t open until 4.

W got a bunch of cheese, fruit, crackers & cookies; and 15 bottles of wine (plus 2 – one for J & one for me – private reserve).

We got back & had an Arabic session, then dinner. Marian, Ali, Garthar, the chef’s assistant (he’s cool) & I set up the food.

10) While we did that stuff, Robin had another game for the group. I only heard about it, but this is how it goes: get some volunteers (3 or 4) to leave the room. Bring in the equipment – a spoon, a fork, a knife, an egg & a bucket of water with a sponge in it.

Go and get one of the volunteers, blindfold him/her before entering the room. Sit the victim down in a chair, and had him/her the spoon. Ask them what it is, and when they tell you, say “are you sure you can’t see?” The fork. “Really, you can’t see at all? You’re not lying, are you?” The knife. “Come on, you can see – I know you can! You’re lying! Ok, OK.. one last chance. You’re really good at this, aren’t you?”

The egg. “That’s it – you’re lying!” Have the sponge ready in one hand, soaked with water. Grab the egg out of the person’s hands & smash the sponge across their face. Good for a laugh or 2.

After we finished with the food, we got the stuff up to the meeting hall/dance place. 5 min before we were going to make the sangria (with the wine & fruit), a volunteer named Semi & Mohammed (Robin’s bro) pulled me (literally) to the side and said “You know it is forbidden to drink.”

I thought they meant at the Youth Hostel, so I said yeah, I know and we’d keep it to a minimum.

He said “This is a Muslim country, AFS rules say no drinking {a like, by the way}, and we’d better not do it at all.”

Then those 2 and a couple of cronies went to sit in front of the room we had the wine stashed in and played cards. With my decks, no less.

This got me pissed, so I told Ali, Scott & J. Ali got really down at this point and said he was leaving AFS Tunisia on Sept 16 for good, and not to worry about the alcohol. We’d drink it tomorrow so that there wouldn’t be any fighting among the volunteers.

Semi has been around 2 years, Mohammed only 5 months; while Ali has been around for 4 years and was getting paid. They were only the volunteers.

So the dance started; Ali was down but wasn’t talking, and Garthar was down, also. He & I went for a long walk and had a long talk about fears, emotions, expectations, etc. I think it helped both of us.

Speaking of talking, I talked with Annika for about 45 mins, right after dinner, telling her how I felt about seeming more like a counselor than a friend. She gave me a real boost and brought me out of the depression I was in, and it really helped. Thanks a lot Annika!

I don’t really like that Semi character. He could’ve gone about what he did in a completely different way; I wouldn’t have been so angry, and I would have cooperated with more free will.

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